If it doesn't feel right... it's probably not

If there is one thing that I love is getting dirty and working hard and making something look good or creating something outside... mainly anything involving dirt, irrigation, grass, etc.  When I first interviewed for my first landscaping job I was hired not because of my experience but because I just about couldn't sit in my seat when my previous employer told me of the job qualifications..."moving lots of heavy rock, pushing lots of dirt, throwing around lots of sod, pushing wheel barrels..."  The more he told me the more excited I got.  Little did I know that I would absolutely love it and continue on with it for years to come and even start our own business that has put us through school and support our family.

It has been an interesting past five years as we have grown and adapted to the current economy conditions and to the ever changing size of our family.  Through out all of it we have been able to maintain loyal clients (who really are just the same as family to us) and build something small that we take great pride in.  

As we approach this next year, we realized that we weren't going to be able to bum our kids off on friends all day while we went and played... worked in other's yards.  Having a baby in July kind of puts a stopper to most of that.  I have been stressing about how we were going to make it work.  I am incredibly picky with who I would  like to help us.  We have had luck getting a few people to help us out over the past few years, but our passion and work ethic doesn't usually translate through entirely.  How do you find someone that cares as much as you do, wants to work hard in all conditions, and doesn't need to get paid a ton of money?  Pretty much doesn't exist.  We've had a couple different options that we were considering as far as hiring different people, but none of them felt right and the closer the season got the more weighed down and worried I felt.  How was I going to work 8 and 9 months pregnant full time?

I sat down today and punched all the numbers and it entered my mind..."we don't have to hire anyone. We can handle it."  We have just enough work to keep James hopping and busy and I am still able to work part time to get us through the really busy beginning of summer time and it all will work out!  Immediately my anxiety left, I felt calm and confident that we could do this and it would work out all right.

The lesson learned today... Don't try to force things that don't feel right.  Keep calm and prayerful about the decisions that are needed to be made and strive to live correctly.  Things do fall into place and we will be led to make correct decisions.  I honestly believe that if we are keeping the commandments and covenants that we've made, live a charitable life and keep taking one day at a time doing the very best that we can do, we will be led to see many miracles in our lives and things will always fall into place somehow.

And he is not shy...

As I turned around to put ketchup and mustard on the kid's hotdogs at Costco, I fully expected them to sit at the table where I had left my purse.  They were very excited to get a Costco hot dog and drink and I didn't think anything would detour them from this goal.  As I finished up the last squirt of ketchup I heard a wave of chuckles from behind me.  As I turned hoping to see someone else kid doing something crazy... I realized that Annie was sitting quietly at the table I had told them to, but where was Hank?  Three tables over, and two up... there he sat with a nice lady in her 40's and her teenage son chatting away, completely oblivious to the fact that he was not at the correct table, not with his sister and did not have the faintest idea as to who these people were!  Apologetic, I rushed over and tried to persuade him to join us at our table.  He would not budge and insisted that he sit there and talk with these people.  They seemed very nice and told me to bring his hotdog over and they would keep him company while he joined them.  Keeping a watchful eye out for him, he returned 20 minutes later after eating most of his hotdog, a string cheese and most of his drink and telling the nice lady all about everything he knew.  She had given him a string cheese to give to Annie, but if fear of losing his new friends, he turned around and chucked it at her as to not lose his seat. 
This little boy is very much James' son.  I am not shy about talking with people, but do not make it a normal habit of becoming best friends with someone in very random circumstances.  This is very much a trait that James has and one that stood out right away in our lives together and one that made me see what a special person he is.  We'll see what kind of fun this gets us into when Hank's a little older and all the nice people we will meet.

I'm not alone!!!!!!!!

I know this happens with everyone right?  Life piles up on you and all of a sudden you are drowning in everything, and everything feels like you are failing, no good, hopeless... well maybe not that bad, but close...  It's times like that that I can look back and see that I was letting certain parts of my life go a little (or a lot) lax.  I still try to convince myself that I am doing my best, but continue to neglect the certain simple things that would bring me more happiness and not "aloneness."


“Gently Up the Stream” – © 2003 by Linda J Curley Christensen
I found that instead of keeping myself in check and making sure I was strengthening myself spiritually, I was judging and worrying more about what "others" weren't doing to strengthen themselves.  This picture was one that I found around a year ago and even though it is pretty cheesy it holds deep significance for me.  James and I are represented in this and even though we think that we should be paddling together in the same canoe (that uses our energy and strength more efficiently right?) we start depending too much on each other's strengths and letting our weaknesses go because the other picks up the slack.  I found that this is not incredibly healthy in a relationship or in life in general.  The two canoers have the same goal, head up stream towards the nice landscape, they are together, encouraging each other, working together.  Each is responsible for their own progress and cannot blame the other for falling behind because the minute they start doing that they themselves start to remove their focus on the goal and begin loosing their ability to strengthen weakness.
That being said... it is remarkable how when I make a sincere effort to read my scriptures (or at least something uplifting), pray fervently and specifically and focus on what I can do for others, than I all of a sudden am in my own canoe paddling consistently enjoying the scenery and being with my husband and not terrified that we are going over the waterfall to our doom.
I also know that when I have this switch in mentality I begin to see the tender mercies in my life even stronger and in more light.  For example:  (here comes the list of tender mercies that I've been putting off for some time now)
- Getting kidnapped and forced to go see a movie with a good friend because she wanted to make sure that I got out and was happy.
- Coming home to another friend who volunteered to come to my house to watch my kids so I could go grocery shopping and then coming home to her having cleaned my house (even started in on my bathrooms...eeck)
- The immense pain in my shoulder/chest that was supposed to be a blood clot or heart problem... was just gas.  (My diaghram was actually pushed all the way up to the middle of my chest with so much pressure.)
- My purse that was stolen from my car, was found behind my neighbor's garage.  Most everything intact.
- A friend dropped off a fresh loaf of bread that I had been craving.
- My visiting teachers came to see me!
- My oven that quit working... was a simple fix and we get to keep it!  (It was made in 1969 or 1972... I can't remember)
- We were able to get a new car that saves us on gas! and I love it.
- We are having a little girl!  Which means I get to have more fun with cute little frilly pinks.  (funny how things change... I never would have said that when Annie was born.  HAHAHAHA)
- Our tax refund paid off our credit cards from our "mishaps" from this past fall... whew.
- I have a renewed testimony of fervent praying, loving the death out of your husband no matter what his choices, and looking for opportunities to help others.
- I was able to make it all but the last week of reffing basketball prego.  Not bad for 22 weeks prego.  I only started t'ing up the coaches the last week of reffing for me.  :)

In short, life is good. I just got to keep on paddling my canoe and supporting and loving my hubby.  The blessings are there and I am not so alone!

Come on, Lets go!

"It's time! Let's go."  Two little girls, one a blonde, pail skin, and the other a dark, curly haired, dark skinned little girl swooped down under the pew at church, dodging the exiting masses and dashed out the door, hand in hand. "We get to go to class!  Hurry, hurry!," says the blonde little girl.  They run down the hall, hand in hand laughing and giggling bumping into the slower folk not quite as ambitious to get to their class.  Suddenly the little girl with dark curls hanging down her face began to cry.  "No, no not to class!," and put on the breaks.  The little blonde wraps her arms through her friends and says, "it'll be fun, let's go!"  Urging her along as she begins to weep, the two little girls reach the classroom, arm in arm.  The site of the rows of chairs was just too much, the little dark, curly haired girl began to cry full force.  The little blonde girl wraps her little arms around her friend and pulls her friend close to her, stroking her hair as her friend collapsed into her lap, wrapping her arms around her sobbing.  The little blonde lovingly and patiently rubs her friends back, smiling down at her friend as she comforts her.

As I watched my little Annie be such a good friend, leader, and example, I couldn't help but have a proud mama moment!  Just this morning she was in time out three times before we went to church for pushing her brother... but than there are the tender mercies such as these that give me hope that I am not ruining my kids and that truly they are the coolest kids around.

On the other side of the hall, James took Hank to nursery, cruising right by the other little kids begging not to have to go, and runs right in, not looking back.

I know the next one will probably give us more problems... (lets hope the trend stays strong though!) But I am  grateful that we have been trusted with such awesome kids in our family.

I feel like I can write about this now...

I don't know really where to begin... maybe with last night.  As I sat on the couch after reffing a couple of basketball games, exhausted, full of gas and unsure of what I would like to eat next, I looked at the small stack of mail that actually comes to our house.  In it was a small envelope addressed to James and Amanda... and curiously it was from us also. (Kind of weird)  It is was a small note with a gift card to Mackenzie Pizza saying, "We admire your dedication and faithfulness to the gospel, your family, and each other.  May you enjoy using this gift to spend some time together!" ... -The Phamily Phun Phantom

Is it bad that my first thought was, "They don't know how to spell fun..."  It was such a nice little treat and surprise that we were astonished that someone would think to send it to us of all people.  We are just the little family that is in the behind the scenes and called on when needed and give of whatever we can.  Not the family that needs recognition or special attention.  We try to be stalwarts and strong... but whoever this family is knew better.  I appreciate their thoughtfulness and love to take the time to do such a small act of kindness.

It seems as though these past couple of months have been a huge topsy turve of critical points in trial and faith and perseverance for us.  Lists always seem easier to make than explaining in great detail...
And maybe for each bullet point an entry well be written at a later time.

1. James and I lost three hard drives full of critical information for his school projects, business info, ten years of pictures.  After a month and $2000 later we were able to recover one of them... the others are still waiting.
2. Past issues arose and we are now dealing with those again... with success this time around!  I hope.
3. After about five EPT's, a doctors test and an official visit to the OB... I am expecting our third baby July 7th.
4. I got through almost two months feeling like I would throw up but never doing it while all of my goals that I had set for the "off season" were pushed to goals for when I could actually feel like doing something.
5. I accidentally left my purse in the car last night... unlocked.  We woke up to find that everything of plastic nature in the purse had been rehomed to someone else's needy hands.  Bummer deal... Luckily, they left about $300 worth of signed checks and took the $10 bill instead and the Mckenzie River Pizza gift card that our kind Phun Phamily had sent us.  I think I was most bummed about that.

But after all this stuff that has occurred over that past couple months, I can't help but sit here and think, "Isn't life great?"  We are so blessed to have our small family who love to be with each other.  Life is all about having trials and being tried.  We have the choice of getting over it and learning from it while attempting to maintain some level of sanity or pulling ourselves and others down into a slow pit of pride and selfishness.  I am so grateful for the gift of choice.  Next time I will make different choices, (like make for dang sure my purse is inside the house and car doors are locked...) but I don't regret having learned lessons from these past trials.  I feel stronger and better for who I have attempted at becoming with a whole bunch of work to go.  But that is life.  Right?