Not enough just to be a nice person...

Frustrated and ready to walk out I heard my coach on the outside of the net say, "explode into it!" Explode... that is what I want to do in more than one way, I thought. As I walked out to retrieve my shotput he came up beside me and said, "It may not be enough just to be a nice person." and walked off. Ahhh. What did that mean? I later confronted him on it , thinking I would get an indepth explanation as the the inner workings of ones soul and being. He simply said, "I don't remember saying that." It may have been a thought passing by in his mind, but it has stuck with me since. (and might I add that has been several years ago.) Was I too nice, did I not have what it takes, did I need to be mean? Everyday this saying has led me to think of different meanings for it. But as we sat at dinner tonight at 9:45pm and discussed what we would do with a million dollars a year we both decided we would pay it forward. We are sooo blessed with so many good people around us. We live in a wonderful home that two wonderful people allow us to live here for a price we can manage as students, we have working vehicles, so many wonderful and consistant clients, loving and supportive family, talents, awesome kids, most of all we have the truth and restored gospel. We were pretending to be equivalent with ... Bill Gates!! funny comparison I know. The first thing that we wanted to do was buy several homes and rent them out for super cheap so that young families like us could have a place to enjoy and love and grow. (We have wonderful landlords that help us out and provide a great example of this.) We would also love to help anyone out with a vehicle that needs one. Just helping provide for those that truly deserve it and are working their tail end off to be obedient and righteous and make ends meet. I was told this evening, you guys are just way too nice... I don't feel that we do enough and that we are so far behind with pay it forwards that we may never catch up... So when we grow up, watch out, we may become landlords! oh and if anyone can decode "it's not enough to be a nice person" I sure would love to hear it.

Alone but not really at all

It was a dark and snowy crisp evening. I climbed under the branches of several pine trees that I hand chosen specifically for their hiding abilities and lay there and wait. Would they notice? Would they see that I had left the group and was no longer there trudging behind them trying to keep up? I laid there and waited for what seemed like hours and slowly the tears began to fall as I peaked out from underneath the pine branch at the other girls racing down the hill on sleds and pulling them back up gleefully laughing and talking. I knew it, they didn't even notice I had been absent for the last couple of runs. Shows how much they liked me! I couldn't help but feel soo lonely and sad and worthless. Why couldn't I have been there best friends? I started to stifle the sob for several minutes and realized that crying wasn't making me feel better. I remember my mom had always told me that I could pray when I felt sad and then I would feel better. So underneath those pines trees on a cold winter's evening I prayed to my Heavenly Father and told Him how I felt. I felt a little better but the girls still didn't notice I was gone. Grrr. That was the problem. But, I was getting cold and I thought just maybe I would be able to sneak back to the house before they would see me. Just then, "Has anyone seen Amanda? She's been gone a long time." Huh? They had noticed? Wow. I waited for them to go past and snuck out in step with them once again. Oh there you are! Where have you been? Are you ok? I replied back, "oh yea I am fine. Just had to go do something...

Years later, I was about two or three weeks into the mission in Peru where I was the tallest blonde around, didn't understand hardly anything and didn't have a personality at all. (Surprising what happens to you when you are unable to express yourself as you always have. You become personalityless...) I had just left my boyfriend back home, ( wh9 I was pretty sure I was going to marry at some point) and did I mention I couldn't talk to anyone? Even when I attempted to say something in spanish to the locals I would only get a confused, lost look and then their eyes would go to my companion for an explanation as to what I had just said. She would then have to try and guess for the most part what I had tried to say and hurry on with something else. Needless to say I really had never felt so alone in my life. It got so bad I was ready to call up the president of the mission and tell him my bags were packed to go home. I had never quit anything but I could justify this one right? I was running home to my future husband... After all that is really what I was supposed to have been doing, getting married, having babies and living happily ever after... I remember crying myself to sleep as I prayed each night to my Father in Heaven, to help me be understood and to help me have the courage to continue. I prayed harder than I ever had before to not feel lonely and to feel at ease. Each night I would have dreams of James back home urging me to stay there and continue in the Lord's service. Each night I would feel just a bit better and each morning during my study I would spend most of it on my knees begging and pleading for strength and courage to continue. Before I knew it a month and then two months passed. I realized that I wasn't alone. I realized that me knees had calluses on them and holes were beginning to wear on my skirts at knee length. I realized that I had developed into a different person, one with a testimony of who I really am and that I am never ever alone. The first month of being in the field was the most humbling I had been through. But, as I look back on them now, what a transformation I went through. I know now that I had to go through that to become the type of person/missionary that my Father in Heaven needed me to be to be able to relate and help with those that were waiting for me.

Skip forward a few more years... I am now married, but just barely under a year. Life is great, we are loving life. We've just started a new business, James started school, we are happy. And then something so shattering and soul gashing happens. (Maybe one day I will right a book about this one... but for now no details.) And I feel completly lost, gone, with no one to turn to. I couldn't run to my mom, my husband, a friend, no one.... at all. I remembering sitting in my car, crying in uncontrollable sobs wishing that a stranger would just come so I could let it all out and then have them disappear forever. (I've got your curiosity peaked now huh? hehe. Sorry no details.) But in this time of really great sorrow I remembered how it was to spend time on your knees, pleading for peace, understanding and comfort. Comfort came almost immediatley, peace a little later and then after more time understanding. But, the point here is that I was never at any point of this ordeal alone, Ever. Even though I felt tossed to the sewer rats and trampled by swine and I felt so alone and hurt. I was never alone. I am so greatful that I am never alone. That I have a brother that went through every one of the hard times I went through and that I have a Father in Heaven that allows me to be humbled and then built back up and polished.

I can control the weather!

I have a confession... I think I may be able to control the weather... sometimes. I woke up yesterday to cloudy skies, howling wind and a deep feeling that I wasn't going to be able to get very much done today working the landscaping. Things didn't get better when I realized that we weren't going to be able to have anyone else help out and James and I were going to be solo with the kids pulling in pipe. Oh and did I mention that it was predicted that there was going to be thunderstorms all day long? The more into the morning it got the more anxiety I felt and the more hopeless I felt. I could make it work with the kids... but not with it being crummy out. So I did just about the only thing I really could do. I prayed hard and specifically that the weather would let us get what we needed done. I still felt the anxiety build. Not even a hug from James softened it. So I resorted to what I should have done in the beginning... I read the scriptures. I have to admit. I don't remember what I read and the anxiety didn't even really go away right then either. We left the house all bundled up, picked up the pipe puller and materials and rolled into the yard that we were going to be working in. And would you believe it? The clouds parted and it stayed sunny the entire day. (Well at least until I got to the gymn where I reffed volleyball. The heavens opened up then but that didn't matter.) To make things even better, Annie and Hank were angels and played and slept and behaved wonderfully and I went home with a feeling of accomplishment. There isn't very much better than that.
As I returned home that evening and finally made it to bed I laid there reflecting on the day like I usually do and once again was reminded what small and tender mercies I receive daily. And then I remembered a morning last summer when as usual we were way behind on our work... but when are we ever caught up? We were racing the clouds building in the sky to try and get all of our mowing done. Two yards in to the list of ten yards, James notices the yard next to the one we were doing and says gosh they sure do need some help. Look at that mess! The grass and weeds were literally three feet tall and from the looks of it had not been mowed ever that summer and it was into July already. We had a man on the street stop us and ask how much we'd charge to mow something like that. I answered and he stated well I wish they'd do something about it. It is a sore sight and drove off disgusted. As we were finishing up James noticed a young mom in her thirties in worn out clothes and a young toddler on the porch crying as her mom fought desperately with the weed eater trying to make it cut through the field in her front yard. James and I both looked at each other and knew what had to be done. He unloaded the mowers as I walked over to her. Her face was tear stained and frustration had overwhelmed it. I told her she wouldn't need to fight with that weed eater anymore, to set it down and go tend to her family. She told me I didn't understand, they were going to fine her and kick her out of the house if she didn't get anything done with the yard. I told her not to worry about that. It would get taken care of. She started crying even harder because she didn't have money to pay us. I assured her that it would be all right and to go inside. For the next several hours we chopped and hacked away at her yard, mean while the clouds were billowing even bigger above us just threatening to rain us out. We finished up, loaded everything back in the trailer and as we said our goodbyes would you know it? The sky cleared up for the rest of the day and we were able to get our work done. I would dare to say that if we hadn't took a little time out of our day to lend a hand to a stranger who obviously needed a hand than we might not have finished our work.
So as you might venture to guess, I believe that I can control the weather! Well more I am at the mercy of a Father in Heaven that wants to bless me when I am obedient to His will. And even more importantly we are instruments in His hands and if we use our talents to bless the lives of those around us He will take care of us...even when it seems impossible and we fell hopeless.

Tender Mercies...

I have been wanting to right another post for two weeks now but I found myself not willing to write very much when I felt like complaining as I would like to keep this post as positive as possible. But, it seems that as I arrive home at ten oclock at night from working or various other activities to a dirty home, laundry scattered everywhere and hungry kids and husband, it becomes hard to keep a positive outlook. So as I scramble together something for dinner and pick up just enough to make me feel like I attempted to maintain my home in a liveable manner and hustle Annie to bed for scriptures and family prayer I just want to collapse and hope that the next day allows for more time... haha. I have been trying very hard to read my scriptures daily. My visiting teacher promised me a couple of months ago that if I do that I will be able to accomplish more during the day. Last night I was considerably of the attitude oh wo is me. At one oclock as I found myself slipping into bed discouraged because my laundry was still not done and in baskets, the kitchen not cleaned and I still had billing to get done from last month. As I laid there in bed, I rolled over and looked at the scriptures sitting on the bedstand. Okay one verse I said... the verse I read was Lehi condemning Laman and Lemuel for their murmuurings... I laid there and contemplated... what was the main difference between Laman and Lemuel and Nephi? Murmuring. Nephi never murmured. He just took it as it was, courageously obeying every command, never complaining about a single trial, hardship, anything. I thought... no wonder I felt my week was so crummy... I was thinking like Laman and Lemuel would have. Nephi would have thought differently and would have had a better week. I do not want to be compared to a couple of wicked brothers... Goal for this week ... not murmur... even in my own head.
I am just greatful that I have a Father in Heaven who allows me to pass through trials and waits patiently as I run around without my head off to one side until I finally run into something and remember what I need to be doing. In my opinion, I view trials as tender mercies. They only help me grow and become more polished.

Speaking of tender mercies... I once read, "having kids is like paying tithing. You do it with faith that it will all work out." or something like that. That has been my husbands and I's philosophy for the most part. And now as we have two under the age of two, a busy landscape business, and he is starting school again this semester and I am reffing volleyball, I have to rely on that promise and comparison alot more. We are in the situation that I do have to work quite a bit to run this business on the job site and running the books. I sometimes feel great guilt in that I am letting others raise my kids and that I am not there for them everyday, all day long. We have been so blessed with such wonderful people that open their homes to my babies and love them. And when I think, I can't do this anymore and start complaining I remember how stinking blessed we are and that we are not doing this on our own at all. Once again, my Father in Heaven knows me and my family well and knows the willingness and earnest attempt we are making at living a righteous life and He does not leave us alone ever. So thank you to everyone who has helped us out and continues to in the future. Hopefully you are all as blessed as we are.